on fatherhood

i haven't blogged yet regarding "our situation" as my friend randy use to call bridget and his pregnancy with conner. that doesn't mean i haven't talked about it (every day with jennifer, my dad, and some local bishkek friends) or thought about it (pretty much every second of every waking moment) or dreamed about it (yes baby... i dream about you while i am sleeping).

in case you don't know... jen and i are expecting our first child (and hopefully the first of many!) in august! we found out over christmas break while in houston. saw the baby and it's heartbeat for the first time on december 24th (the best christmas present ever)! amazing, life changing stuff.

and since that first unbelievable moment of seeing the little speck of a person during that first ultra sound on christmas eve... i have been consumed with thoughts of fatherhood.

not just my own (august can't get here soon enough)... but my father's as well.

i am a pretty visual person and the best analogy that i have come up with is when you are standing in a room with a mirror in front of you and behind you... and you get the effect that images of you go on forever. both behind you and in front of you.

the self reflective me has spent much time thinking about this.

i can't imagine having had a better dad than john d. conover. dad is everything that i needed in a father. caretaker. provider. coach. teacher. friend. he is able to "guide" me while allowing me to make my own mistakes... have my own adventures. dad has been the only member of my family (extended family included) who was always 100% supportive when i felt the need to explore. be it alaska. be it bishkek. his staple line is "i want what's best for you" and he seem to always know what was best for me while letting me find myself. he was able to put my dreams and my needs above his dreams for me.

a big part of my sense of humor comes from my dad (but i have to give credit for my lovely sarcasm to my mom!). a even bigger part of my kindness and grace comes from my dad. i have never know someone more giving and generous than my dad. he is the first person i want to call when something great has happened (dad... we are having a baby!) or when something bad has happened (dad... i've been robbed... twice... in rome... sob, sob, sob).

i love my dad more than i could ever express in words. he is the type of dad i want to be.

but as i look forward to a future of my own fatherhood - i worry that i am not going to be to my child, all the things that my dad was to me.

it seems so daunting and intimidating. almost impossible. i want so desperately for this little person to be protected by me the way my dad protects me. to be loved by me the way my dad loves me. to be guided by me the way my dad guides me. to be my friend. and to grow up fun and crazy and caring and kind like i have grown up (or at least like i am trying to grow up).

while it makes me feel so stressed when i think about fatherhood... i can't imagine anything else in the whole world that i want more.